I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
