So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
