you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
