i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I am mentally ready for anal.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
