i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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