I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I cannot find my penis.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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