I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
