Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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