Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Did I show you my penis last night?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
