Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
