last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
