A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
whose parrot is this?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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