you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
