Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
