can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
