you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
