You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
