I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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