I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
