Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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