omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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