I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
