Me too!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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