opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We're not piercing ourselves today.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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