i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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