I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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