don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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