You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
