I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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