Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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