First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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