I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
