Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
