This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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