She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
