Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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