I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
