She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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