Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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