Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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