how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
