Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
