Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my shit smells like andre
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
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