My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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