I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
