I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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