Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We had to coat check the pizza.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
