Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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