your parents love me but you hate me
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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