Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm at about main and main street
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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