I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
