you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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